Speaking Up Assertively (& kindly)
The topic of communication comes up often in the Coaching space; how we talk to ourselves, how we interact with colleagues, partners, friends and most frequently, how we speak up for ourselves.
Many of us find being assertive a bit tricky and often worry about appearing aggressive. They aren't the same thing, and with practice, speaking up for ourselves, with clarity and calmness can become nice & easy!
Think about keeping direct eye contact - this indicates interest and also that we are not feeling intimidated.
Consider body posture; mixture between standing tall but not rigid. For example, standing rigid may come across as stand-offish; whereas, turning away or being over relaxed gives the impression of dis-interest.
Tone of voice is always important! Calm, firm & clear conveys assertiveness, whereas raising our voice shows frustration and may be perceived as aggression.
A neutral facial expression; no eye rolling or raising of the eye brows etc! Imagine calm and focused expression, not dramatic and reactive.
Patience and timing matter - assertive communication is most effective when there is time for conversation, space for each to share their view and an agreement about ‘no interrupting’ each other.
Always use nonthreatening, non-blaming language. So for example, language such as “If you continue to do that, you will be sorry!” is threatening rather than assertive.
Be clear in what we we need; for example, “Can you please not be that way?” is vague, while “Please could you not walk away when we’re talking?” "Please could you let me finish before responding" - more clarity allows you to convey your needs.
Steer clear of criticism or unkind comments, this is often the point at which an assertive conversation about what we need support with, becomes a difficult, emotional back & forth.
There are lots of other hints & tips about how to speak up for yourself & how to weave this into daily conversations (especially in the workplace) so if you would like further info, give me an assertive shout!